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Although rewarding, providing care to loved ones can be demanding.
It’s no secret many adults care for other adults these days. According to Family Caregiver Alliance, approximately 30 percent of households involve a relative, partner, friend or neighbor providing a broad range of assistance for an older person or another adult with a chronic or disabling condition.
When you love someone, you want the best for them. Providing care — long-distance, in-home or through a nursing home or assisted living facility — seems like the natural thing to do. At some point, negative emotions and stress will happen, no matter how much love is involved. The demands on a caregiver’s body, mind and emotions can be overwhelming, leading to fatigue, hopelessness and burnout.
Bonnie Wells, 70, of Las Vegas, cared for both her mother and father during the last decade of their lives. Her mother was non-ambulatory; her father, who died three years after her mother, was ambulatory and driving until the end. The caregiving crept up on her in ways she didn’t realize. She was taking her mother to thrift stores to give her dad a break for a few hours or changing sheets for her father when his arthritis grew too painful.
The only sibling of eight living in the same town with her parents, their care fell to her. A sister provided some long-distance care via frequent Skype conversations, and a brother would drive in twice a year to check on the car and manage household repairs, but everyday problems belonged to Wells — even as her own career collapsed after her employer’s bankruptcy.
“Stress is not even close to describing the experience,” she says. “Overwhelmed, exhausted, angry, frustrated, embarrassed, impatient — those fit better. I had days where I just couldn’t go to their house … I would feel guilty about not checking on them and the cycle of negative feelings begin again.”
Wells is not alone. Meredith Collins — a leader in gerontology with experience in long-term facilities — explains caregivers often feel isolated and so stressed their immune systems can erode, increasing the likelihood of disease, depression or hospitalization.
Others are caring for children while caring for parents, says Jerome M. Avner, financial advisor. “Adults in this sandwich generation annually spend about $10,000 and more than 1300 hours on parents and children combined,” Avner says.
“A lot of the decisions will involve the temperament of the people involved. Remember, you are doing the best you can. Give yourself time to breathe, time to think, time to get away. It’s okay.”
Managing stress:
* GET AT LEAST 10 MINUTES OF PHYSICAL ACTIVITY. Make this a priority. * GET ENOUGH SLEEP. * HYDRATE AND EAT A BALANCED DIET. * SEE A DOCTOR REGULARLY to monitor stress levels and health conditions. * ACCEPT SUPPORT from others who can help manage day-to-day tasks. * SCHEDULE TIME AWAY.
* FIND A SUPPORT GROUP — online or in-person. Talking to others can help.
How friends can help: * BE A SHOULDER TO LEAN ON. Your open ear could make all the difference. * OFFER TO HELP. Ask the caregiver for ideas. * STEP IN TO CARE FOR PETS. Caregiver feel guilty and worry they are neglecting their own animals. * REGULARLY COOK FOR ONE MORE. Ask the caregiver for any dietary instructions. * VOLUNTEER TO BE A “CHECK IN POINT” FOR THE CAREGIVER. Check on shut-ins; give your friend a break.
Coping with stress, exhaustion and guilt
Ask for help. Taking care of yourself will give you more energy to do what’s needed for your loved ones. Organizations like Family Caregiver Alliance and state-based groups can provide caregiver tips and legal information. Local senior centers have valuable resources and staff who can help. A quick Internet search for “area agencies on aging” can reveal additional options.
There are millions of caregivers just like you. Don’t feel guilty when you need a break — and keep searching until you find a way to get one.
