Since 1992
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By Lucas Allen
Although 2017 had a great array of popular movies that resonated with audiences, there’s no overlooking some of the other films that either annoyed or ruin anyone’s theatrical experiences. Sure it’s popular to hate on certain titles, like “The Emoji Movie” or “Transformers: The Last Knight”, but you don’t need the internet to get that kind of opinion when simple word-of-mouth helps. So let’s take a look at five other examples from 2017 that are still worth skipping long after their theatrical runs.
5. The Dark Tower
Fans of Stephen King’s best-selling book series were no doubt a lot more than disappointed after waiting for so many years to see the world of the Gunslingers being brought to life on the big screen. Condensing the first two titles into a 90-minute feature was a big mistake on the part of the filmmakers sacrificing big parts of the whole story and character development to make it more of an action film. It’s possible that it would work better as a TV series like some other King titles like “Under the Dome” and “11.22.63,” but it should take more than that to wipe the memory of this motion picture mess from our minds. Thankfully, we have It to thank for renewing interest in the Maine author’s great work.
4. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
Guy Ritchie is certainly a rule-breaker as a mainstream director, but his much-too-stylized version of the King Arthur legend may be a bit too much for an average viewer to take. Scenes that quick cut with each other plus weird ideas that didn’t work (remember that Lovecraftian creature) bogged the film down several notches to the point that maybe that 2004 King Arthur movie wasn’t that bad by comparison. Sure Charlie Hunnam and Jude Law tried their best, but not even their talents could save this minor disaster of summer blockbuster proportions.
3. Life
Say what you will about “Alien: Covenant,” but that movie felt more like a spiritual successor to the original “Alien” than this shameless clone. Wasting some good actors like Jake Gyllenhaal and Ryan Reynolds because of a terrible script, they were directed to act like the dumbest characters in horror movie history. Then you have the last-minute twist ending that left us feeling as cold as outer space itself. If you want to watch a movie with that title, watch the 1999 Eddie Murphy/Martin Lawrence comedy instead.
2. The Hitman’s Bodyguard
Speaking of Reynolds, here he is with Samuel L. Jackson teaming up to punch and hurl curse words at each other in the un-funniest action/comedy since “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.” Plus with a finale that seem to eerily mirrored real world terrorism at the time, it becomes an uncomfortable experience for anyone who wants an escape from the news. With the recent Disney/Fox deal, maybe we’ll get a “Deadpool/Nick Fury” movie to make up for this trash.
1. Geostorm
For the second year in the row, Gerard Butler stars in another misfire that to be fair isn’t as heinous as “Gods of Egypt,” but comes pretty close. Predictable and dumb all the way through, it relies too much on the notion that audiences do not think while watching a fun movie. Just because we wanted to watch a 90s disaster movie, it doesn’t mean we want to see one that was made in 2017.
Now that we wiped our hands clean at these movies, we’re all set for what’s to come. Don’t worry about what you hear from those who whine online, it’s you who have to decide what’s worth watching on the big screen.
